Daniel looked into the rear view mirror of his car, and wondered how long would he continue to feel like this? Never in his life has his self-esteem been so low.
It wasn’t a long drive to his therapist’s office and he’s been making this journey for weeks. His thoughts turned to Jayne. If only he could get these dark thoughts out of his mind, if only the hurt, the feeling of failure and humiliation stopped. He knew he would be fine.
Here he was 40 years old, ex stock broker/accountant now delivering parcels in a beat up transit van. His life was a failure.
Dan arrived early for his appointment, only to find his therapist was free and was willing to start their session immediately.
The usual procedure and questions. ‘How have you coped this week? How are you feeling? Are you sleeping properly.’ And then the question he didn’t expect to hear. ‘We’ve spoken a little about Jayne before, now tell me more about Jayne!’ What was she like?’
He closed his eyes and started to blurt out the whole hurt and betrayal he felt.
‘I met Jayne at a club in London, she was local, knew the scene and was confident. Jayne knew what she wanted in life. She knew exactly where she was going. And nothing was going to stop her… not even being a single parent. She knew she was going to make it.’
‘If I had known what I know now, of how manipulative, deceitful and self-centred she really was I would have walked away earlier. But I was blinded.’
‘I thought we were happy and I was planning on asking Jayne to marry me on Valentine’s Day. Things were great until the day, I was made redundant in the January. Wham! My whole world was falling apart and I knew I would never get another job with such a great salary as I was earning with the commission. But the recession has hit every company going, and it wasn’t just me being made redundant, it was our entire section. No matter what happened from this day forward I had Jayne. And that is all that mattered.’
‘Jayne’s first words were not of comfort at the news about my redundancy. Instead she stood there screeching at me, as if it was all my fault, because now we had to pull out of the brand-new house we were in the process of buying.’ All she kept saying was, ‘What am I going to tell my friends? The humiliation I’m going to face because I can’t have my dream home! What do I tell my children, now that they are not going to have a playroom and their own bedrooms and a swimming pool? I promised them, YOU promised them! Now you’ve let them and me down, just like every other man has!’ Then she looked at me and came the words, ‘Get out, you’re a waste of space.’
‘She was adament it was over, crushed and humilated, and sobbing I packed my bags. Little did I know that while I was loading the car with my meagre possessions, she was indoors and stripping our joint account. She left me with nothing. Not a penny to my name and no place to go other than to my family with no job and no money. And those words, waste of space, just like every other man, running through my mind. Do you burden them or just end it all here and now?’
‘The thoughts of ending my life seemed the only way out.. but I couldn’t do that to my parents. So I headed home…
‘Jayne wasn’t confident, she was manipulative, self-centred and a spoilt-brat, who would forgo her own happiness as well as the happiness of others, just for money. Money was her God, money, status and expensive cars was what Jayne was in love with. Not me… I was just a means to get the status, the money and the life-style. A life-style where she didn’t have to work and could lunch with friends in fancy bistros and brag about how well she’s done in life.‘
‘I did everything Jayne wanted, I gave her what she wanted, she never went without. She had security and my heart and I gave her my love and in return, when I think about it now, she gave me nothing in return.’
‘This is the first time I’ve really spoken the truth to anyone, I didn’t want people laughing at me. Even my own family thought Jayne was perfect, she fooled everyone.’
As he opened his eyes, for the first time in all of his sessions, he was speaking from the heart, opening up to his true feelings. And he felt good. He felt as if a weight had been lifted from him. This is the first time the realisation that he wasn’t in the wrong, it was Jayne and her way of using people to get what she wants that was wrong.
The therapist looked at him and smiled and said, ‘I think you’ve just turned the corner and the only way now, is up.’
He replied, ‘I think you are correct! For the first time in months I feel good. Thank you’